What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
