Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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