either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
