Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
