Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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