Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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