u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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