Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
