you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
