2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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