am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
