Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Randomize
