I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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