dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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