I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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