I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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