just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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