Your face is a jimmy john
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
