im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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