she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
