It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
