just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
