chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
