I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
