It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
