He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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