you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
