Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
