Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The best revenge is premature balding
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
