When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
