Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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