dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wanna passion pit in your ass
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
