Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
