two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
