Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
