I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
