Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
