She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
