I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
