jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
