My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
