Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
