You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
