I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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