I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
