I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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