I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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