I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
if only i could text you this smell
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
