we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Small penises have feelings too.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sext me about skeletons
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
