I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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