Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It's Friday. Sex?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This house was built for laser tag.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
