You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
