Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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